THE STATE OF AFFAIRS summary

Infidelity is hard to define, but most

The State of Affairs by Esther Perel. What's in it for me? Get a fresh look at the touchy topic of infidelity. Ask any American in a committed, monogamous relationship, and she'll probably tell you the same thing.

Cheating destroys trust. It's the lowest blow you could deliver, the ultimate form of betrayal. And yet, meanwhile, millions of Americans in committed, monogamous relationships continue to cheat. Even if you can find examples of individuals who've remained utterly faithful to their current partners, the number of adult Westerners who've never cheated is low.

So are unfaithful partners evil? Or is it perhaps that our prevailing views on infidelity are in need of some revision? These chapters address these and other complex questions, offering real-life examples to give a clearer picture of an often murky subject. These chapters also explain how infidelity threatens identity, why jealousy isn't all bad, and that, sometimes, secrecy is the best policy.

Chapter 1: Infidelity is hard to define, but most instances of infidelity have a few things in common. We've all wondered about it, exactly how many people cheat on their partner. Is it a rare aberration or a common occurrence? Well, such questions are hard to answer because cheating is difficult to define.

There's never been universal consensus on what constitutes infidelity. Today, however, the issue is even more complex thanks to dating platforms and apps such as Tinder. For example, are you betraying your partner by engaging in flirtatious online chatting? But even if you ignore the internet, the boundary between fidelity and infidelity is hard to pin down.

Are you cheating if you sleep with a sex worker? If you get a lap dance, what if you're in a heterosexual relationship and you sleep with someone of the same sex? These definitional difficulties have resulted in widely varying estimates of infidelity in the United States. Some studies conclude that 25% of the US population has been unfaithful.

Others, that it's closer to 70%. However, most studies concur that infidelity is on the rise. This increase is due, in large part, to an uptick in the sexual adventurousness of women. In fact, in 2007, psychologist Rebecca J.

Brandt conducted a study whose definition of infidelity included romantic feelings, kissing and touching. By this definition, college-aged women were more likely to be unfaithful than men. Now, despite this lack of a clear definition, it is possible to identify a few elements shared by the majority of infidelities. In the author's experience, infidelities usually include one of the three following elements: secrecy, sexual chemistry or emotional involvement.

An act may qualify as cheating even if none of these elements are present. However, more often than not, at least one of these things is part of the recipe. Secrecy, in addition to adding excitement to an affair, is often what hurts the betrayed partner the most. Learning that your partner kept you in the dark can be much more painful than knowing that your partner is having an affair.

Actual sex isn't necessarily part of a sexual connection. Engaging in intense flirtation can be just as sexual as having a one-night stand and can constitute just as much of a betrayal. Lastly, almost all affairs include some kind of emotional involvement. Again, the emotional side of infidelity often causes more pain than the merely physical part.

Infidelity hurts because it threatens the

Infidelity hurts because it threatens the identity of both the betrayer and the betrayed. Most people build their identities around relationships, love, partnership, trust—without them. Most of us would be utterly lost. An act of infidelity can call these things into question and shake the very foundations of our identities.

Indeed, that's why infidelity hurts. It threatens our sense of self. If you spend years as part of a couple, then your identity will inevitably become interwoven with your role as partner. This is why people betrayed by long-term partners often feel as though they no longer know who they are.

They believe that the betrayal is an abandonment and that they've been abandoned because they weren't adequate. This makes them begin to question their self-worth. Identity and partnership are more enmeshed in America than in many other cultures. For instance, the author asked a community of Senegalese women about infidelity and they said that, though upset and saddened by betrayal, they didn't feel that it posed a threat to their sense of self.

Men simply did such things. And besides, they tended to derive a sense of self-worth from their community rather than their partners. This is not the case in the United States. Indeed, Americans tend to believe that romantic love is life's supreme achievement and it's this myth that leads them to construe acts of infidelity as a crisis of identity.

But it's not only the betrayed partner that may lose her sense of self. The betrayer often has a similar experience. Affairs can be fun which, of course, is why people have them; however, if found out, the person having the affair will be forced to see himself through the eyes of his partner. This is rarely flattering and can be deeply unsettling.

Just consider the following case. The author once had a client, let's call him Costa, whose father had been domineering and unfaithful. Costa, having seen the pain this caused his mother, was determined to be a different kind of partner. As an adult, however, he overcompensated by putting a lid on his passions, adopting a stiff and formal manner with his wife.

It wasn't until he met his lover, Amanda, that he could reconnect with his passions and toss aside the identity he'd taken on as a husband. But shedding his spousal identity also meant assuming a new one. He was now the polar opposite of the person he truly felt himself to be. Rather than a faithful husband, he was a cheater, just like his father.