SELF-COMPASSION summary

Introduction

Self Compassion by Kristin Neff What's in it for me? Learn how to be more compassionate and supportive toward yourself. It's become pretty common these days to complain about how self centered people are. Too many of us are self absorbed, self seeking, and self serving or so the story goes.

But here's a fact that's often left out of that narrative. As self oriented as we might be, most of us are also extremely hard on ourselves. We get angry at ourselves when we make mistakes. We hold ourselves up to impossibly high standards and then berate ourselves when we fall short of them.

We subject ourselves to incredibly harsh self criticism as we go through our daily lives. And we continuously tell ourselves we're not good enough the way we are. All this leaves us with a persistent sense of inadequacy. Why do we engage in these behaviors?

What's the problem with them? And how can we replace them with a kinder, healthier, and more productive way of treating ourselves? By the end of this summary, you'll know the answers to all of these questions and more.

Origins of Self Criticism

Our tendency to be self critical and to feel inadequate often stems from childhood. Got a personal problem? Trace it back to your childhood and blame it on your parents.

In the popular imagination, that's one of the most cliched ideas of psychology. Of course, it's also an oversimplification, both of our problems and of what psychology has to say about them. But when we're dealing with self criticism and feelings of inadequacy, there's actually an element of truth to it. Psychological research shows that we're much more likely to be critical of ourselves as adults if our parents were critical of us as children.

That makes sense, if you stop and think about it. After all, as we're growing up, we depend on our parents to guide us through life's challenges. We need them to help us to understand the world around us, and make us feel safe and loved. As a result, we're naturally inclined to trust their judgment and seek their approval.

Now, combine that tendency with a highly critical parent, and you've got a recipe for disaster. To see why, imagine you're a child whose parents criticize your every little action. They criticize everything from the way you eat your food at dinner to the way you dress yourself for school. And let's say they also lace their criticism with disparaging remarks about you.

They call you stupid for doing something wrong, like crossing the street without checking for traffic. After a while, these constant put downs will add up to a general indictment. You begin to feel: I'm not okay the way I am. I need to be better.

And unless I'm perfect, I won't be worthy of love. That sort of thinking can make your parents' criticism carry a very heavy blow to you as a child. Naturally, you'll want to avoid it as best you can. And that may lead you to start anticipating your parents' criticism.

To avoid it, you preemptively criticize yourself before they have a chance to do it for you. That way, you can modify your behavior and avoid their disapproval ahead of time. At this point, you've internalized your parents' criticism. Their judgmental words and voices have become a part of your mind's internal commentary.

If you, say, drop a glass of water, you might call yourself an idiot and criticize yourself for your clumsiness. The end result? A deeply ingrained habit of self criticism and sense of inadequacy that can continue well into adulthood.